Containment…
I’ve been thinking a lot about childhood wounds and relationships. And I don’t know… something about the way we talk about it online doesn’t sit right with me.
I follow all these accounts about conscious relationships, embodiment, being a safe man, being an embodied woman and it’s not that it’s wrong, it’s not! But something about it just feels… idk shallow? Or incomplete??? Like we’re still missing something really important.
We talk so much about healing the inner child.
Healing the little girl. Healing the little boy. And the promise seems to be that if we do enough work we’ll become regulated, grounded, untriggered humans who never lose it in relationship.
Like the goal is to be so healed that nothing touches you anymore.
And I just… don’t think that’s real.
Sometimes it feels like if you’re triggered at all, it means you’re unhealed. And if you’re unhealed, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Or you’re not embodied enough. Or you need to go do more work before you’re allowed to love or be loved.
But I don’t believe we’re meant to do this alone.
I think we need each other.
Human beings need each other.
And I don’t hear enough people talking about how we hold each other… not perfectly, not cleanly but honestly, when the wounds come online.
Because they will.
Triggers aren’t a sign that something has gone wrong. They’re a sign that something old has been touched. Something tender. Something that learned love could disappear.
And there’s this idea that safety means never being emotional, never being messy, never being “too much.” But when I see someone act out emotionally, I don’t just see dysfunction.
I see something incredibly vulnerable and… beautiful.
Of course, it’s a slippery edge. There’s a difference between being unconscious and blaming your behaviour on your wounds… and being aware enough to say, “This is old.” “This isn’t about you.” “But it’s alive in me right now.”
And imagine if relationships were built for that.
Imagine if your partner was someone you could fall apart with, not without responsibility, not without reflection, but without shame. 🤍
A place where you could become that unhealed little person again for a moment, and know you wouldn’t be judged, or abandoned, or turned away from.
A place where you could say, “I know this reaction is from the past, and I’m still here as an adult, but this part of me needs to be held, not corrected.”
Why aren’t we talking about that kind of safety?
Not safety as perfection. Not safety as constant regulation. But safety as containment.
I don’t want a relationship where neither of us ever gets triggered. I want a relationship where we know how to stay when we are.
Where repair matters more than performance.
Where awareness exists alongside tenderness.
Where being human isn’t treated as a failure of healing.
I don’t know. I’m still sitting with it. But I feel like we’ve been taught to fear our own emotional edges… and maybe those edges are actually where intimacy lives.
Oh absolutely. Feeling physically safe is important but feeling emotionally safe is often what people are actually starving for.
Knowing you can fall apart n not be met with eye rolling n judged as being dramatic or broken. Or even worse have that moment stored away n used against you later.
From my perspective i hear alot about having to be strong and masculine, not showing weakness etc. I get it. But im still human. Im going to have moments of inconsistency, tenderness or feeling overwhelmed. Why do i feel i must be strong in order to be loved?
Imagine someone embraced your vulnerable moments instead of recoiling from it. Imagine they realised that safety goes both ways. A space where we both can soften. Where holding someone in there broken moments isn't a burden but a true act of love n care for that person. That is what safety in a relationship truly means to me. Gah. Seems like such a fairytale.... in my head. Thanks for posting about this. Really got me.